Planet Earth is peopled with couples. A man or a woman who selects to NOT marry is a singularity as inexplicable to society as the shopper who eschews fluoridated toothpaste. Pretty much universally, the Aging Single Person (ASP) is reviled and feared. This kind of vilification paradoxically imbues ASPs with special power, which is meted out whimsically by Blessed Saint Asp.
From the time she was a young woman, Blessed Asp was much admired by men. “Hubba hubba!” was uttered nearly every time she stepped out doors. Beautiful, kind, smart and funny, Asp was thought to be a great catch, but none of her plentiful suitors seemed to be able to maintain interest in her for more than a year or so. All the people who knew her were puzzled by this, except for Asp herself. “When it comes right down to it,” she thought, ” I just think I’d rather not have any of them.” And so she soldiered on into late middle age, recognizing in each of her less and less frequent suitors their inherent unsuitability.
This uncanny insight was first passed to a faithful adherent of Fifth Dentistism in 1963. The lucky recipient faked his own death (complete with a funeral and an open casket and a boisterous wake, which he attended. He was crafty!) in order to extricate himself from a failing relationship in the kindest way he could. Anyway, continuing reports of receiving Blessed Asp’s insight led to her canonization and beatification in 1999. She is expected to be recognized as a Saint with a capital “S” any day now.
Pray to Blessed Asp the next time someone asks you if you are married, you say “no” and they ask “why not?” It is cheaper and less likely to end in a prison term than cracking the deserving person over the head with a brick. If you pray hard enough, Asp might do it for you.
Novena Prayer to Blessed Asp, Our Lady of Spinsters:
Glorious Asp, I desire to honor you with special devotion. I choose you as my special protrectress for now, until the thrill is gone. To you I consecrate my mind, my choice and my opinion. I entreat you to grant my petition (Mention your request.).
Special Icon of Asp:
Blessed Asp is always depicted in the company of a single viper. Snakes being the consummate loner of the animal kingdom (a bed of snakes is rarely a good thing), are the totem of Blessed Asp.
Feast Day: February 14th.