Late in 1956 St. Helen gave up her quest for achievement, greatness, excelllence, and even for being above average. With a huge sigh of relief, she set aside the burden of that kernal of genius that glowed within her, and set about the business of just getting by. She stopped buying sugarless gum, and flossed only when the mood struck. Since then, postal workers from around the world have reported miracles. A pugnacious clerk in Topeka was seen to shrug and say “Oh well.” when he was passed over for promotion. Co-workers way they saw a ghostly vision of a plump, middle-aged woman pat the normally bellicose clerk on the head just before he heard the news of his dismissal.
Pray to Saint Helen when the graspers and the climbers and the go-getters of this world clamor about you and besiege the temple of your serenity. Calm the beastly temptation to excel or the melodramatic urge to fail with the Litany and Novena to Helen.
Novena prayer to Saint Helen:
Most gracious Mountain of Mediocrity, remember your promise to never let any request made to you go unanswered, unless you don’t feel like it. Full of confidence in your power with platitudes, I implore your intercession on my behalf and beg of you to obtain the request I just thought up: (Mention your request).
Litany in Honor of Saint Helen:
Daughter of the Bourgeoisie, Assister of Postal Workers, Instrument of Lesser Achievement, Protectress of the Unremarkable, Help of all who have recourse to you; Because all the other Saints were busy, Pray for us, O blessed Saint Helen.
Feast Day: Whenever the blue-plate special looks O.K.