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Saint Rat: Patron of Mean People

Hypocrisy is probably one of the least forgivable of transgressions.  If you want to really prove to the world that you have the moral stature of a flea – and one that carries bubonic plague – just pretend to be a good, kind person, and then when the mood strikes you, perpetrate some cruelty upon an idiot who trusted you.  Remember: its “Me First” and anyone who doesn’t understand that deserves what they get. Solipsism is just the tip of the iceberg.  To be a true adherent of Saint Rat you’ve got to act on your egomania. Don’t be shy.

Saint Rat was canonized for duplicity that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was not going to just accept standards of moral behavior because everyone else does.  Hardly a personification of Evil, Saint Rat donated generously to charitable causes,  helped old ladies across the street, and lived a life that was outwardly above reproof.  he saw his dentist every six months, and even had a dental chart of his taped to the bathroom mirror so that he could see which teeth to brush particularly well with his state-of-the-art electric toothbrush.  But he was fickle as a flea, and when he chose to suck blood, he left behind bubonic plague, not to mention creeping plaque.  Mean people have a lot to learn from Saint Rat.

When you’re in a particularly mettlesome mood, pray to Saint Rat, but be careful.  Visits from him have led to virulently anti-social behavior that can land people who are less than perfectly selfish in the loony bin.

Litany to Saint Rat:

Exemplary withholder of words, Tireless Trasher of Hopes, Perfect Dissembler, Take pity, on those of us who are Artless.  Hear us entreat you, who Bestows Hard Hearts, Eschews Clemency and Do whatever You Please, Grant us a smidgen of your genius, that we might Smite Rather than being Smitten.

Novena Prayer to Saint Rat:

Worthy pretender I unfold to you alone my great desire to emulate you, to harbor falsity under the splendor of great good fortune and compassion.  My failing is humanity, which your promise to me will eradicate.  Help me to overcome my weakness and hear my plea (Mention your request).

Feast Day: 31 October.

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