The wolverine, also know as the ‘glutton’ (Gulo luscos) is a rapacious and clever carnivore of the northern forests. Secretive and observant, this voracious eater is ever-present in spirit at any and all repasts. Saint Wolverine first appeard to a devout Fifth Dentistist in Duluth who was standing at the kitchen sink in her underwear, eating cold macaroni and cheese straight from the pot.
Novena Prayer to Saint Wolverine:
May your example encourage me to carry my own Cross patiently and to live a plaque-free life. I fail because of my weakness. Pray for me, that my dissension is my salvation. In your kindness, hear my request for second helpings: (mention your request).
Litany of Saint Wolverine:
(for private devotion)
Worthy teacher, Conqueror of child-proof containers, Reviler of Dietary Restrictions, Be Merciful, To us, who do not floss. We snackers beseech you; Hear us, that you would bring us true penance, Teacher of heretics, explain: Why do the bags of salt-and-vinegar potato chips herald: “Not a low-sodium food.“????!
January 5th, 18th, 23rd and 24th. February 28th and 29th. March 3rd, 6th, 19th and 31st. April: entire month. May 9th and 11th unless the weather is particulary bad. June (from here on in all feast take place at night until the Harvest Moon of autumn, or until it is so cold out the jello sets up when left outside), 14th, 21st and 28th. July 5th, 14th, 22nd and 30th. Feast every day in October that you can still get fresh vegetables at the farmers’ market, unless you live really far north, in which case you will just have to suffer. In November and December, feast between holiday meals. Eat a LOT.