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Rene Descartes is in a bar. At last call the bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. He says “I think not.” And he disappears.

 

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork and asks the bartender: “What’s the quickest way to Dublin?”

          The bartender asks; “are you walking or driving?”

          The guy says “driving.”

          And the bartender says: “ That’s the quickest way.”

 

I’m for the separation of Church and Hate.

 

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

 

 War is terrorism with a bigger budget.

 

Fearful people do stupid things.

 

Get involved: the world is run by those who show up.

 

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

 

Its hard to convince people that you’re killing them for their own good.

 

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

 

I like you, but I don’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

 

A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say “Nice tie.” Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the other end of the bar.  A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”  At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind” he told him.  “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”

          “It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.

          “Say what?”

          “You heard me. It’s the peanuts…. They’re complimentary.”

 

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

 

How do you torture an engineer?

          Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

 

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do, and they’re a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

 

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.  An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.  A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.  A schoolteacher is a woman who used to think she liked small children.  A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

 

What if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

 

Artists make lousy slaves.

 

A manager is someone who thinks that nine women ought to be able to produce a child in one month.

 

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

 

I’m not being rude; you’re just insignificant.

 

Sergeant: Private!

Private: Yes, sir.

Sergeant: You failed to show up for camouflage class yesterday.

Private: How do you know, sir?

 

Ole: I need to buy some boards there, Sven.

Sven: How long you want ‘em, Ole?

Ole: Long time. I’m building a house, ya know.

 

The difference between a comedy and tragedy in Russian drama is that in a tragedy, everybody dies; but in a comedy, they die happy.

 

A woman’s prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom, to understand a man; love, to forgive him; and patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

 

My husband is on a new diet. He’s losing five pounds a week. In a year and a half, I’ll be rid of him completely.

 

One good thing about having a woman for president: we wouldn’t have to pay her as much.

 

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? Through the chest wall, with a sharp knife.

 

“Run, Hillary, Run!” bumper stickers are selling like hotcakes in New York.

          Democrats put them on their rear bumpers and republicans put them on the front.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

          He sold his soul to Santa.

Painter: I’d like to hear your opinion about my painting.

Critic:  It’s worthless.

Painter : I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.

 

What do the letters DNA stand for?

          National Dyslexic’s Association

 

If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?

          I’d choose the living one.

 

Why should Bill Lewis be buried 100 feet deep?

          Because deep down, he’s a really good man.

 

Did you hear about the new pill? It makes you feel good, but it has the side effect of making you dull. Its called Prosaic.

 

You know something? If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed….wait, he does.

 

 What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other one is used to carry groceries.

 

“I would go to the end of the world for you.”

“Yes, but would you stay there?”

 

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and then its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we’d like to have dinner with.

 

“Why are you scratching yourself?

“I’m the only one who knows where it itches.”

 

Once upon a time there was beautiful antelope who was getting ready for a wild date in the forest. She got all gussied up with a new dress, shoes and make-up, when all of a sudden a herd of wildebeests came stampeding over her. She was the first self-dressed, stamped antelope.

 

Don’t forget that half of all people are below average.

 

Lawyers get disbarred and clergymen get defrocked, so doesn’t it make sense that baseball players should get debased, politicians devoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, organ donors delivered,  and cleaners depressed, decreased and depleated?

 

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

 

If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific.

 

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way by myself.

  

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